Highly recommended: http://xkcd.com/

Slept like heck Friday night. Up too early but instead of going for a walk, I checked e-mail, drank decaf and chatted with some folks hanging around. The walk might have been the better choice. The talk was nice but I could have used the energy generated by walking. At 7a, I attended the morning For Today/Voice of Recovery meeting. It was good. I was tired and not all that attentive. I didn’t share at the meeting. As leader, I get to talk as much as I want and I don’t want to take away from the time others have to share. That felt like the right decision.

Breakfast at 8am was nice. Simple. I had eggs, which is something I don’ t often have at home.  I had a choice between rice cakes or oatmeal with whole wheat toast. That was an easy choice. I still don’t like oatmeal.  Nice conversation over breakfast.

At 9:15a the morning session started. Did we start on time? Pretty close. Probably the last session to really start on time.

I don’t think I told you the subject of the retreat. Fear. After the ice breaker on Friday, the guided meditation asked us to let our HP tell us what fear we most wanted to have removed.  That choice drove the rest of the weekend. I arrive at the retreat with my fear selected, planned, scripted and ready to go. The meditation changed all that and I worked on something else that was more pressing and real.

So, at 9:15 the attendees settled into their seats and I settled behind my podium and I spoke for about 15 minutes about fear in my life and about all the lies it whispers into my ears. This is what fear does. It tell us things which aren’t true. These lies drove me to drive-thrus, chain drug store sale flyer and local deep fry joints.

We captured and expressed these lies on paper, making ransom notes. Notes that expressed the lies the fear whispers in our ears. We had a big box of old magazines, scissor, glue sticks and markers and got to work. Each table had about 6 people working around it. They appointed someone to capture the lies and share them with the rest of the retreat. No question, there are common themes in these lies.

There was a nice and growing hum from the tables as they worked on their projects and I came to realize that more than the project itself and perhaps even more than the work of the retreat, the fellowship of the weekend is the greatest thing people take away.

The ransom notes were great. People seemed to enjoy the project and express some very real and very honest feelings.

We finished about 15 minutes before lunch and I have to say, I felt a lot better about this whole business by now.

One of my favorites from this past weekend:

If God had meant us to speak more and listen less, he’d have given us two mouths and one ear.

Right on.

So, I am leading my first Overeaters Anonymous retreat. I don’t recall if I wrote about this before. I was approached to do this service back in October of last year. I was hesitant. I had never been to a retreat much less lead one. The retreat chairs trusted me, said I had what they wanted. I asked around, checked with my sponsor and said yes. Today was the first session. We did an ice breaker. Seemed to go well.

I did a basic qualification which included my short version of what I was like, what happened to change me and what I’m like now:

What I was like: Fat, angry and in charge.

What happened to change me: A spiritual experience

What I’m like now: Thin, accepting and in touch.

For the ice breaker. We had our 44 participants count off in two groups of 22 and then mated the matching numbers. Ones with ones. Twos with twos. You get it. They each then had about 3 minutes to share their story with their partner. Then, one pair at a time, they each introduced their partner. We took a break halfway through.

We had a secretary keep note of words that captured what people were like and what they are like now. Two columns. One before, one after. I get to summarize it later.

We closed with a guided meditation lead by another member. It was very nice, and this from a man who does not meditate in any conventional sense of the word. It was nice.

I was quite anxious at the start. I feel much better now. We’ll see what tomorrow brings…

I didn’t start this week with the intention to become caffeine free, it’s just happened that way.

I’m on vacation. Monday, I woke around 5:30 and puttered around the house until 8:30 when the strong desire to sleep returned, so I slept, until 11:30. Nice. Then, I just puttered some more until early evening when I headed off to the cat shelter for my evening of kitty service. I really felt the lack of caffeine, but by that time I figured I would just go without. The very surprising part is that while I felt really tired and I was dragging, I didn’t have a headache.  By 9pm I was totally beat and turned to bed as quickly as I could.

Tuesday wasn’t much better. I didn’t get a nap and with intergroup that evening, well, I was not all that enthusiastic. I got through it and back home awake. Again, early to bed.

Wednesday was better but not 100%. I had rehearsal in the evening. It was okay but I was not thrilled by my performance. I can’t blame caffeine. I can plan lack of experience. I hadn’t really thought through my 6 lines. I mean, what sort of detective was he? I got some direction and on Thursday I had a little private coaching. I feel like I have a better handle on the nature of the detective. How he should behave and respond. We’ll see how it plays out at the next rehearsal.

By Thursday, I think I was pretty much over the caffeine withdrawal. I went to a fabulous play in town, that featured one of our local OA worthies.

Today (Friday) I didn’t think about caffeine at all except when I accidentally grabbed a sip of my daughter’s Coke Zero instead of my caffeine free A&W Root Beer. I don’t think it has corrupted my caffeine free status.

I’ve been sleeping well. Not sure it’s the lack of caffeine. Might be but I never used to drink caffeine after about noon anyway.

Not the best night’s sleep and up again (not by choice) at 5am. I watched a little TV. I love the “How it works” kinda shows. I got to watch them make fried plantain chips. How cool is that?

Had breakfast about 5:50a and hit the supermarket before 7a. After that, off to the local hospital for my 8am call to my step sponsor. We reviewed the weeks events, looked for times when my character defects began to engage and how I handled that and then turned to the more fun stuff, like the play I am in. It was a nice call. I happen to like and respect the guy.

Some Sunday’s there are other OAs that show up after 9a, while I am writing or reading something on the netbook (named ‘lilone’). I got to talking with them and later overheard that one was a writer. Well, I happily shared my 3 minute short story with both of them. They laughed in most of the right places and said they really liked it. That was nice. She’s a poet, and I didn’t know it! Darn, that’s poetry, but I digress. We exchanged e-mail addresses. I’ll send her some of my recovery haiku. It will be fun, I think.

After lunch, I had rehearsal. My part wasn’t called, but I knew that some of the actors needed for rehearsal wouldn’t be present, so I just show up and fill those parts. It helps them block the scene. We often do these scenes over and over again so each time, I get to read the part differently, and I try to improve, at least in my mind, each time. I don’t receive any direction at these times, but I can sense from other actors what works better and sometimes a laugh is a particularly good indication. It’s just all a lot of fun.

This coming Wednesday, my role will be rehearsed. I will be prepared and will have my few lines memorized, I think. Why not? If the part were serious, I’d need to be really hammering the memorization by now. Right?

The rest of the day was okay. Simple. Nice dinner. Did a little laundry. Drove the kid to work. It’s 9pm now and It’s almost lights off for me. Soon as I hit publish, I am hitting the pillow.

Be well. Don’t eat no matter what. No matter what, don’t eat.

I’m in Albany, capital of the great state of New York, attending, as a visitor, the Overeaters Anonymous Region 6 Assembly. This event happens each spring and each fall to discuss region business, participate in various committees and a workshop. I’ve been attending this almost since I got abstinent. I love coming here. More hugs per hour than any other day in the year.

It seems like I know more people here than just about anywhere. Lots of recovery in the room but I have to check my judgments at the door. Some people seem as big as they ever have. I tend to notice this. It’s disappointing. It’s not personal to me, but it is disappointing. It’s disappointing they don’t seem to be getting to enjoy the benefits of the physical, spiritual and emotional recovery our program has to offer.

“But Steve, their fat, how do you know they aren’t heeled emotionally and spiritually? ”  Is that really possible? I mean really, is it? Setting aside the rare possibility that long term “permanent” excess weight may happen (I think), can a member of OA really be emotionally and spiritually recovered and be significantly over weight? I couldn’t.

Somewhere, darned if I can find it, I’ve said that I’ve come to believe that there are overweight people who are happy. And, if you are overweight and happy, why would you need or want OA? That said, why would someone come to OA to recovery from compulsive eating and really be happy without continuing physical recovery? I don’t know. Maybe they can but it’s not something I can relate to, today.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s a gift to feel emotions.  I know it’s a gift to abstain from eating compulsively, but these feelings, these I would like to be able to do without. I’ve been going through some things which are not appropriate to outline here, which sometimes made me feel as though someone had been install in my gut and was busy doing macramé with my intestines. My therapist reports that this is good. This is human. Blah.

But, at the same time, there are songs which just lift me right up. Usually they have energy and lately they’ve been sung by Jo Dee Messina. I can’t explain it but they do it for me. One in particular has me dropping my pen, picking up my imaginary drum sticks and cranking up the volume.  If you can listen to it where you are and aren’t blocked by the Gods of the Internet, give Heads Carolina, Tails California a try.

There are also songs which kick me in the gut. Sometimes I take a pass and click over them. I love the songs but I am just not in the mood to be bummed out.  This week has been a flyover for these. One by the Dixie Chicks fits this mold. If you want to wipe a tear from your eye, try Travelin’ Solider.  If that link doesn’t work maybe this one will.

Hey, why not post links to the songs that give you a lift. Something tells me we can all appreciate that.

This is a bit old, and in direct contradiction of what you might expect coming off the bacon story, but it seems, prepared foods are getting healthier by reducing the amount of salt they contain:

Getting companies on board is the most important part: according to the NYC Health Department, 80 percent of the salt consumers eat is added to food before it’s sold. But luckily, some companies are already in favor of lowering sodium—they just don’t want you to know about it.

They don’t want you to know about it because their research shows that healthy is not too important in the scheme of things. From that same article:

According to a survey conducted by the International Food Information Council Foundation (IFIC), taste ranks the highest (at 87 percent) when it comes to factors affecting consumer choices. Next comes price, and healthfulness is only third on the scale. “The minute you start whispering this is healthier for you, people start getting very nervous about the taste,” says Hank Cardello, a former food executive and current CEO of 27°NORTH, a consulting firm that helps companies address social issues. “If you start talking about how healthy a hamburger is, or french fries, people will start to think, oh man, that must be awful.”

Can you imagine if we started to restrict the number of carrots we let our kids eat? “Honey, finish your donut holes and then you can have your carrots.” Could it possibly lead to the following dinner table fight? “But Dad, I don’t like donut holes! They’re icky and mom always puts too much powdered sugar on the outside.”

I wish. I’m not convinced reverse psychology, compulsive overeater style, would work but hey, who knows. If anyone wants to lend me an infant for an 18 year experiment, let me know. You’re on the hook for college though.

This is one of those things I suppose I already knew. My first time in OA I ate a lot of meat and, since my food plan allowed 4 ounces of pretty much any non-cheese protein, once in a while, I piled on 4 ounces of Bacon. Very crispy, very snappy, bacon. My logic was, the more you cooked it, the less fat it contained. True enough I suppose.  I believe recent data suggest that along with less fat, you get more carcinogens.  Fair trade?

Anyway, it’s been many years since my last strip of bacon and while I’ve abstained, the world has more than made up for my lack of enthusiasm.

Bacon is once more our true, national food crush, spanning all ages, all cultures and all meals. It binds us in its aromatic allure — and maybe in its outlaw luster. Like a freedom fighter emerging from an underground bunker, the smoky strips of crispy bliss somehow survived the rise and reign of the cholesterol cops.

It’s primal. It’s sublime. It’s bacon. And it’s bigger than ever, baby.

This was MSNBC’s response to KFC’s new Double Down “sandwich” . A sandwich which is 2 slabs of white meat chicken on either side of cheese and bacon. No bread. They have a deep fried, breaded, chicken patty version and a grilled version. If you routinely eat meat (why?) either would be an interesting and no doubt flavorful rare treat, but I’ll bet more than half the folks who eat these things will eat them far more regularly than rarely.

Back to bacon. Our friends at the National Pork Board have an amazing variety of data on their website. I looked at their Spring 2010 Pork Check-off report. This document is 40 pages long and includes 7 advertisement.  I counted 5 pharmaceutical* ads and 2 for other pork related stuff. In total, about 4.33 pages of pharma ads, a bit less than half a page on pig farm waste/odor management one page from Cargill which seems to pitch their pig feed nutrient management system. More than 66% of the ad space on animal drugs. Better animal husbandry courtesy of your friends in the pharmaceutical** industry.  Mmmmm, antibiotics.

I found a PowerPoint presentation from 2007 that tracked pork, chicken and beef consumption, per capita, in the United states. In 2007, they projected a decline from about 50.5 pounds of pork per American, down to about 48 pounds. Now, that’s not all bacon.  I learned here that about 15% of the weight of a pig ends up as bacon. Extrapolating, about 7.2 pounds of bacon (raw weight) is consumed per person each year.  That seems like a pretty big number,  considering all the observant Jews, Muslims, vegetarians and babies in America that don’t eat any. Maybe the number is closer to 8 pounds, which cooked is is probably only about 8 ounces.

No bacon for me. Though, in the interest of full disclosure, I had a vegan meal at a local place, the first time I was there, and he made dish that I would swear had bacon in it. I’m not sure how this magic is achieved but I hope serious chemistry isn’t a factor.

** I can’t believe I spelled pharmaceutical correctly the second time!